Oesters en Struisvogels

The most intense bonds we have with people…are they bound to end? Is it like, you can only have six oysters and for the rest of the meal we have to cut through heavy elaborate food with in the back of our heads the remembrance of how good the oysters were? Why the torture? Why don’t we all want the same thing? Why can’t we have oysters all the time?

Why…
Why…..
Why…….

Always that question…….

And we always do the wrong thing! 'We' as in 'I', of course. I always do the wrong thing. Dangerous statement, actually, like a self fulfilling prophecy.

But, hey, maybe it’s just that some human beings like the idea of suffering much more than the idea of easily floating through life. Even as a kid I never easily floated through life all the time.

We always want more. Or even less, sometimes...

(LB)



"In this dirty-minded world, you're either somebody's wife or somebody's whore -- or fast on your way to becoming one or the other."

John Irving, The world according to Garp




"Owen Meany believed that 'coincidence' was a stupid, shallow refuge sought by stupid, shallow people who were unable to accept the fact that their lives were shaped by a terrifying and awesome design—more powerful and unstoppable than The Flying Yankee."

John Irving, A prayer for Owen Meany


Well, Owen definitely chooses (has been chosen, I should say, but in real life let's just say we make our own choices) to not be a stupid and shallow person so instead he goes for the opposite: Run towards your fate! I'm very good at that too, although I am not as convinced where this is supposed to take me at the end of the ride. I reluctantly, but o so willingly, allow my 'fate' to take me for a ride every single time....fortunately I can't say I'm surprised about the consequences.

What I am surprised about is how I turned out to be this way. Who but me can have designed me to be like this? And how can I get out of this vicious circle of misplaced sense of 'this is my Fate and I will pay the fare'? How can I, who always seeks to understand, now seek out the unexplainable, the undefinable, the completely irrational and never ending road to where I don't have choices at all? Why do I still go for the ungratifying, unrequited and momentary? Is it hope? Is it fear?

No.

It might even be arrogance. The arrogance of she that thinks she will win in the end as she always has won. But this time I will lose, and lose.

And lose...