When your show is over, my show begins

Guardati intorno
Il mondo si alza
cade
e si rialza

Il tuo cervello
bruciato
vorrebbe
anche solo per un attimo
il niente
ma e' tanto

E cosi' non si riposa
So com'e'
terrificante

(LB)



"Tristan, I have no where to send this letter and no reason to believe you wish to receive it. I write it only for myself. And so I will hide it away with all things left unsaid and undone between us."


"Forever turned out to be too long."


"Some people hear their own inner voices with great clearness and they live by what they hear. Such people become crazy, or they become legends. "


"She was like the water that freezes inside a rock and breaks it apart. It was no more her fault than it is the fault of the water when the rock shatters. "


(quotes from Legends of the Fall)



"It feels ridiculous to make a salad for only yourself. You wash the lettuce, tear it apart, cut up the tomatoes, add a little dressing, and wonder whether it will feel less ridiculous, hollow, artificial, with the passage of time. Don't add dressing. No one is watching. Try to cover the hum of the fluorescent strip light and the refrigerator with the radio. The radio is worse. It shouts at you, advertisements, drum and bass, little girl or boy groups voicing perfectly timed musical cliches to computerized accompaniments, right-wing shock jocks with switchboards lit up by fear, hate and ignorance, or New Age flatulence masquerading as enlightenment. Turn it off and that just leaves you the hum and the salad. If you don't add dressing, it will be over that much faster. Then you try leaving out the tomatoes. (...) The idea is that there is a definite warning sign for people living by themselves - the salad dressing stops appearing in the salad, then the tomatoes, then the salad itself. Then you're just left with a bowl which, sooner or later, you fill with cereal and milk and then - for the hell of it - you start to add a little scotch to the milk.

No one calls and after a while you feel pleased with how long it has been since the last time you thought about how long it had been since somebody called. You can't remember when you last remembered. You must really be getting good at living like this. And it's just as well because when the phone rings by this time, even when it's a wrong number, a hang-up, or a telemarketer, you don't want to speak to anyone. You're in no fit state to speak to anyone. It's not even a matter of sobriety. Even sober, you're in no fit state to speak to anyone. You're out of practice."


Seven types of ambiguity, Elliot Perlman

No boss ever pays you to lay there

...and think how you'll die.


Not ready yet

there's a world outside
and I know 'cause I've heard talk
in my sweetest dream
I would go out for a walk

but I don't think I'm ready yet
I'm not feeling up to it now
just not that steady yet
and I don't need you telling me how

there's some happiness
and my stone face cracks again
maybe sometime sooner or later

but I don't think I'm ready yet
I'm not feeling up to it now
just not that steady yet
and I don't need you telling me how

so if I leave my room
don't you tell me to lighten up
maybe sometime sooner or later

but I don't think I'm ready yet
I'm not feeling up to it now
just not that steady yet
and I don't need you telling me how

(Eels)




"People don't know how to love. They bite rather than kiss. They slap rather than stroke. Maybe it's because they recognize how easy it is for love to go bad, to become suddenly impossible... unworkable, an exercise of futility. So they avoid it and seek solace in angst, and fear, and aggression, which are always there and readily available. Or maybe sometimes... they just don't have all the facts. "




"Anger and resentment can stop you in your tracks. That's what I know now. It needs nothing to burn but the air and the life that it swallows and smothers. It's real, though - the fury, even when it isn't. It can change you... turn you... mold you and shape you into something you're not. The only upside to anger, then... is the person you become. Hopefully someone that wakes up one day and realizes they're not afraid to take the journey, someone that knows that the truth is, at best, a partially told story. That anger, like growth, comes in spurts and fits, and in its wake, leaves a new chance at acceptance, and the promise of calm. Then again, what do I know? I'm only a child"

(The upside of anger)




Somebody loves you


woke up with a bang
and a bug on your face
it crawled in your mouth
and gave you a taste of the good life you left behind
but i think you're gonna be fine

somebody loves you
and you're gonna make it through

this nagging malaise
is more than a phase
it feels like a job
but no boss ever pays you to lay there
and think how you'll die
while the tears start to well in your eyes

somebody loves you
and you're gonna make it through

one more saturday
all alone through the night
you've got to be sure
when you turn out that light
that it's going to turn on again
you've got to be your good friend

somebody loves you
and you're gonna make it through

(Eels)

I'm hard to remember, but I'm impossible to forget

I can't say I never loved anyone in my life more than I loved you. But I can say I only loved two persons in my life really desperately. And you are one of them.

I can't say who I loved most in my life because I think I wasn't given the chance yet to love as completely as I would want to. Sometimes the chance was not granted by myself, sometimes not by others.

Fortunately my life isn't over yet.

(LB)



"And now...
I want you to get into the deep beautiful melancholy of everything that's happened."


"Trust me. Everyone is less mysterious than they think they are."


Claire: Do you ever just think I'm fooling everybody?
Drew: You have no idea.

(from Elizabethtown)



Moon River,
wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style some day.
Oh, dream maker,
you heart breaker,
wherever you're going I'm going your way.
Two drifters off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end--
waiting 'round the bend,
my huckleberry friend,
Moon River and me.



Albert: The interconnection thing is definitely for real.
Tommy: It is! I didn't think it wasn't! It is!
Albert: I know, I can't believe it, it's so fantastic!
Tommy: It's amazing!
Albert: I know.
Tommy: But it's also nothing special.



Tommy: How come we only ask ourselves the really big questions when something bad happens?



Catherine: The woods are hopeless. Don't waste your time, they will be destroyed. So will the marsh. It is a losing game mankind has played for more than a century. Sadness is what you are, do not deny it. The universe is a lonely place, a painful place. This is what we can share between us, period.


(I heart Huckabees)

It takes four seconds from here to that door

I'll give you two!




You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-You-Are?
You're chicken.
You're afraid to stick out your chin and say,
'Okay, life's a fact.'
People DO fall in love.
People do belong to each other.
Because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness.
You call yourself a free spirit, a wild thing, yet you're terrified that somebody's gonna put you in a cage.
Well, baby, you're already in a cage and you built it yourself.
And it's not bound on the east by Somali Land or on the west by Tulip, Texas.
It's everywhere you go.
Because no matter where you run, you're always going to end up running into yourself.


Breakfast at Tiffany's




Fireflies

Before you met me
I was a fairy princess
I caught frogs and called them prince
And made myself a queen
And before you knew me
I'd traveled 'round the world
And I slept in castles
And fell in love
Because I was taught to dream

I found mayonnaise bottles and poked holes on top
To capture Tinker Bell
And they were just fireflies to the untrained eye
But I could always tell
Cause I believe in fairy tales
And dreamer's dreams
Like bedsheet sails

And I believe in Peter Pan
And miracles, anything I can to get by
And fireflies
Now before I grew up I saw you on a cloud
And I could bless myself in your name
And pat you on your wings
And before I grew up
I heard you whisper so loud
Well life is hard and so is love
Child, believe in all these things

I found mayonnaise bottles and poked holes on top
To capture Tinker Bell
And they were just fireflies to the untrained eye
But I could always tell
Cause I believe in fairy tales
And dreamer's dreams
Like bedsheet sails
And I believe in Peter Pan
And miracles, anything I can to get by . .

And fireflies
And fireflies . . .

Before you met me I was a fairy princess
I caught frogs and called them prince
And made myself a queen
And before you knew me I'd traveled 'round the world
And I slept in castles
And fell in love

Because I was taught to dream

(Lyrics Faith Hill)

"It's like the smell of burnt toast. You made the toast. You looked forward to it. You even enjoyed making it, but it burned. What were you doing? Was it your fault? It doesn't matter anymore. You open the window, but only the very top layer of the smell goes away. The rest remains around you. It's on the walls. You leave the room, but it's on your clothes. You change your clothes, but it's in your hair. It's on the thin skin on the top of your hands. And in the morning, it's still there."

"Our capacity for great ideas is excelled only by our capacity to ruin them, to destroy what is good in them, to poison them, by taking them to extremes."

"The ability to relive past emotional states is both an aptitude and a curse. It's a curse because it doesn't allow you to get on with your life. Every cut, every bruise, every rejection, yields a harvest which is then stored. The pain is kept on ice and can be relied upon to taste as fresh as the day it was inflicted."

Elliot Perlman, Seven types of ambiguity

Oesters en Struisvogels

The most intense bonds we have with people…are they bound to end? Is it like, you can only have six oysters and for the rest of the meal we have to cut through heavy elaborate food with in the back of our heads the remembrance of how good the oysters were? Why the torture? Why don’t we all want the same thing? Why can’t we have oysters all the time?

Why…
Why…..
Why…….

Always that question…….

And we always do the wrong thing! 'We' as in 'I', of course. I always do the wrong thing. Dangerous statement, actually, like a self fulfilling prophecy.

But, hey, maybe it’s just that some human beings like the idea of suffering much more than the idea of easily floating through life. Even as a kid I never easily floated through life all the time.

We always want more. Or even less, sometimes...

(LB)



"In this dirty-minded world, you're either somebody's wife or somebody's whore -- or fast on your way to becoming one or the other."

John Irving, The world according to Garp




"Owen Meany believed that 'coincidence' was a stupid, shallow refuge sought by stupid, shallow people who were unable to accept the fact that their lives were shaped by a terrifying and awesome design—more powerful and unstoppable than The Flying Yankee."

John Irving, A prayer for Owen Meany


Well, Owen definitely chooses (has been chosen, I should say, but in real life let's just say we make our own choices) to not be a stupid and shallow person so instead he goes for the opposite: Run towards your fate! I'm very good at that too, although I am not as convinced where this is supposed to take me at the end of the ride. I reluctantly, but o so willingly, allow my 'fate' to take me for a ride every single time....fortunately I can't say I'm surprised about the consequences.

What I am surprised about is how I turned out to be this way. Who but me can have designed me to be like this? And how can I get out of this vicious circle of misplaced sense of 'this is my Fate and I will pay the fare'? How can I, who always seeks to understand, now seek out the unexplainable, the undefinable, the completely irrational and never ending road to where I don't have choices at all? Why do I still go for the ungratifying, unrequited and momentary? Is it hope? Is it fear?

No.

It might even be arrogance. The arrogance of she that thinks she will win in the end as she always has won. But this time I will lose, and lose.

And lose...