November in December

You can not find peace by avoiding life

I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility.
You know, that feeling?
And I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness.
This is where it starts.
And of course there will always be more.
It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning.
It was happiness.
It was the moment.
Right then.


(The hours, 2002)


I remember the room. I remember everyone smiling and looking at her.
I remember her smiling. He was smiling too, thinking they would be happy together for the rest of their lives. And she?
What did she think in that exact instant? I have no idea. I know what she was doing: She was grabbing on to the idea of happiness with a firm idealistic belief in the future.

And then, in France:"Will I never sleep with anyone else for the rest of my life?"

Can it be that you have everything (the things that everyone considers everything) and then, in the course of fifteen months you slowly come to the decision to throw it all away.

No.

The decision comes to you. It just grabs you. You didn't know in advance. Not that afternoon on the boat, when you could have cried of boredom and loneliness, but one random night. Your unhappiness has gained so much strength and it has collected inside you with such unbreakable conviction that when he walks by (sent by whom? By God or the Devil? Will you ever be able to conclude it was God?) you stop him and, suddenly, the decision has taken human form.

And then,

like a flood people are carried away.
People and things. Whole houses are being carried away on those violent waves of obstinate certainty and you just stand there, watching. No tears.

A few years later you hide in a rented apartment in the midst of Amsterdam life and you spend a little bit too much of your time watching movies while you can't conjure up the you that did what she did. You can't remember her thoughts and her real feelings. No matter what you do you just see an image of someone doing things.

This girl racing through the small town on her bicycle, eyes on her watch. She's making phone calls and making up stories. She's cooking dinner and cooking up lies.

But what did she feel exactly?
Whatever she felt, I know now she didn't know (how could she possibly have known) the tears come later.

(LB)

Christmas wish list

Santa Baby,
Just slip a sable under the tree
For me
Been an awful good girl
Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
Santa baby, a '54 convertible too
Light blue
I'll wait up for you, dear Santa baby,
so hurry down the chimney tonight

Think of all the fun I've missed
Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed
Next year I could be just as good
If you'll check off my Christmas list
Santa Baby, I want a yacht and really that's not
A lot
Been an angel all year Santa Baby,
so hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa honey, one little thing I really need
The deed
To a platinum mine Santa Baby,
so hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa cutie, and fill my stocking with a duplex
And cheques
Sign your 'x' on the line Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Come and trim my Christmas tree
With some decorations bought at Tif-fa-ny
I really do believe in you
Lets see if you believe in me

Santa Baby, forgot to mention one little thing
A ring I don't mean on the phone Santa Baby,
so hurry down the chimney tonight

Hurry down the chimney tonight Hurry...tonight


This year's Christmas wish list is actually a joke. I have none. The last two years have been severe cases of Christmas wish lost and now that I found myself again - almost - that won't happen because

I know exactly what I have, I am aware of everything I lost, everything I won and everything I own. This means I'm not asking for anything. You know, it's as the Chinese say: beware of what you wish for, so I will just keep on cherishing my regained internal peace for now.

So thanks but no thanks, Santa baby, no need to bring me anything this year. I'm all covered for a no surprises holiday season:

Santa won't take away my jingle bells and leave me with a silent night....

My stocking's full of certainties
The lowest branches of my tree are dripping with the last remains of the hope I cherished during my childhood and adolescent years but (considering the temperature the global heating has donated this city lately) no chance it will freeze anytime soon which means that by the 24th of December it'll all be melted away!

Hundreds of people pass my window every week
My cat and I just watch them with a brave smile and since we know that no one will ring the bell to bring us roses, we stay in and start preparing the menu for the dinner I'll prepare for my family.

Maye one small wish, just for the sake of the view?

Okay then:

Let it snow,
Let it snow,
Let it snow!